I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
