I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
