You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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