i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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