Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
