Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
