i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
