Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
