lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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