my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
