i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
