He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
