She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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