Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
