1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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