Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
