And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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