in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
You can't motorboat a personality
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
