Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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