i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
