Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
