Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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