Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
