Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
