I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
