I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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