I love black thongs
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
