how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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