I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize