I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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