Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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