Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
