saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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