I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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