i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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