i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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