I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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