I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just high enough for therapy.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
