Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
