Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize