i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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