my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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