so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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