your parents love me but you hate me
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
