At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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