he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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