My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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