im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
