Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
