He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
