I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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