dude i'm inner monologue high
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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