Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
