drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize