I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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