okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
