if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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