He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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