When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
