Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
