Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
