Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Randomize
